My Inner Battle

I know people talk to themselves and have argument within themselves, especially during a tough decision or break up. I have decided to share mine. How my crazy mind really makes a decision, if I can ever really come up with one. I usually like to stay in the background and let the universe make the decision for me. Call it or me what you want. This is how I process mine….

**I have two characters that I label my inner thoughts, Bad Bitch or B.B, she is my inner boss, gansta, don’t take no shit, I wish a nigga would, all that neck poppin’ finger swinging attitude chick. Yes, we all have one, she is the one that can get me to think straight when my heart or Push Over has the slightest clue what to do. Push Over or P.O. is my hopeless romantic, caring, childish, everything and everyone has no flaws and I accept them all chick. She is the one that really gets me in trouble. Saying I love you before checking in, call niggas back when they don’t deserve my time and worse she never lets go. So because of these two, I am in constant battle with them both. One is logically and realistic and one is lost in fair-tale dust. **

The Bad Bitch 
Girl you gonna mess with this broke ass nigga. He can’t do shit for you but fuck. Your cutting off all your hoes for this? So we just don’t love ourselves enough to just let this shit go?
Please explain yourself
The Push Over 
Well he is going through something right now so his money is tight. I can understand that. Who am I to judge? Yes I’m cutting them all off he told me my ex’s are too accessible to me. So I’m okay with cutting of my ex’s for next. I love myself how dare you?
B.B.
Really? A situation that lasted more than 10 months?!  He’s been living at your crib and putting up what money helping you do what? That is the point I am making.
P.O. 
I can pay all that myself. I don’t need him for that. I want love, compassion and attention. He’s gives me all that and more.
B.B. 
Don’t go all Jill Scott “Wanna Be Loved” on me. I hear you on all that but how long will you deal with this? He told you he was your come up. He told you that only he could love you. He told you that you can’t accept love! And we accept that? We lie in bed and fuck that?
P.O. 
First off watch it. In his defense he has a point. I’ve never been in a relationship to accept love and I don’t know how to. He’s teaching me how to love, who else will take time to teach me that? And as far as his come up comment I will just disregard. People say hurtful things when mad. I know we have, so we’re even.
B.B.
How about when you need him? Is he there or is he “busy”? Has he truly haven’t your back during your situations or are you still the giver in this relationship too.
P.O.
Well he has been the giver for the most part. I had him chasing me for a little bit wanting me. I mean he did drive across two state lines to come see me. Look his money was tight one time and the other time he was caught up in a situation. But aye I got two hundred dollars from him when I needed it for rent last month and he did sign his name for that Uhaul truck.
B.B. 
Is that all? What else girl look at what you’re basing your heart and five year plan with a man who signed a Uhaul truck and 200. Its the least he could do. A real man should be giving you anyway for living in your spot so what the fuck is that.
You so busy wanting to me a wife that you clearly missed all the signs. Maybe your family is right, you don’t love yourself enough. You was too good for him but you so blinded by your self hate to see you’ve been shopping in the gutter.
P.O. 
Aye, aye! He wasn’t all that when I decided to lay with him he wasn’t all that when I need his conversation and time. He’s embedded into my daily DNA and routine I can’t function without him not to mention this room gets cold and lonely.
B.B. 
Aha! So that’s what it boils down to being lonely. Choosing to a warm bed allowing anyone to lay next to you despite what you think you deserve, you deserve better. Why can’t you see that? You aren’t just a late night creep and you’re more than a bottom feeder provider.
Quit being the ass and become the head.
Dammit girl you graduated from class but missed this entire lesson of truth. Did we not learn anything from our past endeavors?
You need to do better for yourself, forget him and those words that were exchanged.
It’s done it over how dare you spare a tear
P.O. 
You’re right I wanted nothing more than to be someone’s wife but not just anyone’s. The right one. I let the fantasy and the whimsical beginnings over shadow my decision making. But what about all of our connections and finished incomplete sentences? What about the outsiders who thought we were married because we work so well together? How do I just delete that? It was hard to find before, how will I find it again?
B.B. 
By not being a push over. By loving yourself!
Someone else will come just as he did with a better story to tell; one that will leave you with the ring you’re looking for.
And if it shall be him, then let nature do what it’s supposed to. Let love be and it shall be.
Otherwise keep walking; all you’re doing is limiting yourself trying to make this fantasy become a reality. You’ve done this time and time before what makes this any new?
P.O.
Because of love.
B.B.
Look, I’m not taking anything from him. He has been wonderful thus far.
Let the separation show you where this is supposed to go?
P.O. 
The hell with my family I will call him now and have him back in my house! Who are any of them to judge; none of them started like I did with a background like this with a love like this.
B.B. 
Girl please the pussy was good and he stayed. Your bills were paid and your business handled with nothing left back home. Why wouldn’t anyone want to stay? The best thing you did was put him how now we can get right.
Your family only want what’s best and they said nothing wrong; you’re too good for him.
P.O. 
Or is he too good for me? The love he was giving me.
B.B.
How could you think that?
P.O.
Because I felt he loved me for more than just what I can offer but for everything fiber and cork of my being. He loved he cared and I pushed; I pushed him away. Not wanting to accept what I have been praying for. Unable to understand how a man so loving could love me that his energy and soul wanted to be with me only me. Our problems are not of infidelity but of personal bullshit that we need to take care. Maybe we are not perfect right now but I believe we will be in the future.
B.B. 
You also showed him loyalty and devotion and what does he do in return cut your social media off and accuse your of infidelity. His insecurities became yours, his depression became your burden. Why be bothered with that kind of energy?
P.O. 
So be by myself now? All alone; cutting myself off from everything and everyone to love myself but I do; I love myself.
I’m just misunderstood and I need someone who understands like him.
I want him, I yearn for him.
B.B. 
Let it go; walk away! Step one of yourself healing and self love process.
You missed the last one and was able to move on to the next one
We can do this again.

P.O.
But I don’t want to do this again.

B.B.
But is it really worth it…..

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