I have plenty of content that I want to publish but afraid too. Afraid that you might see and realize the content is about you. About our good times and bad. The hurt and joy. The time I cried over you endlessly wishing for you to be next to me. Or my many flashbacks of that diamond smile you possess. Yes, I am afraid that through my writing you will read about the unknown expressed emotions I may have harbored inside during our relationship. Like how I thought about leaving you before or how I never wanted you to leave me. Confusing? I know, welcome to my world. I have tried to organize my thoughts so that I don’t come off unsure or unwilling to accept love. But I can accept love I am just….
Well they say you can’t accept love from no one else if you can’t love yourself. I love myself. The new self. The new weight, the new hair, job and journey that I am on right now. So how could this educated mother strong caring aggressive, yet gentle woman not be able to accept love? I give love?
But what I found out was that, that was harder said than done. You see, my past, like many others, lead me to a line of continuous heartbreak. According to my family, I love dark spirits and tend to attract those who are if not as damaged more damaged than me. My grandmother once told me I love wounded dogs over a perfect healthy one. Ha. I guess I thought I could just heal everything and everyone. And because of loving the wrong people at the wrong time, I am left with a brick wall holding in my emotions and fear to love the right person.
How unfair? The right one will now have to complete an exam, survey and three essays proclaiming their love for me. Telling me how much not only that you love me, but that you’re serious. Wanting to be seen with both night and day, will be there when I need you the most not just some late-night fix or last-minute decision. I need you of that and more. Like any investment, invest your time and love in me. No more putting my cards on the table when I know that I am holding a full house. No, I was going to make you work. And that you did…. Maybe
But did I put this effort into the wrong one? Did I hold this standard for the wrong Mr. Right? You were everything I prayed about on my list. Minus maybe three MAJOR details that has me on the fence about our love and how this will grow into something more enteral. And for these red flags I am stuck, torn and devastated that I even must make the choice.
Do I stay, or do I go? Do I continue to find reasons and ways to see you or leave you be?
Ultimately what do I do with you?