She wanted to become numb to all of it.

Not wanting to hear that she had the time or that it would happen one day.

Especially not from the one that she couldn’t have.

She wanted to drown her broken heart into her work,

And her other passions.

Feeling so consumed with her dreams and goals that everything falls to the side.

Nothing will be able to penetrate her again.

Not even for the ones she was intimate with.

She would block it all, tunnel vision,

To focus on nothing more than work.

It was made clear to her that this shit just won’t work

No more trying to prove that she was sorry and that she wanted to grow.

No more waiting around for him to get the picture and step up.

No more thinking she was claimed for.

No more in between or we need some space.

If there ever was a chance for romance, or

A happy ending, or a chance to reconcile,

She was no longer interested.

She was no longer wanting to be in a relationship or

Craving to have anyone in her bed.

She could care less about building a family or a touch from another.

She no longer cared to share space with another human being outside the ones she birthed.

She was beyond content with her toys she invested in

And her empire she was building alone.

Not wanting anyone to ride this journey with her

Like she had longed for in the past when her heart was naive and

Thought love was glitter and gold.

As if needing it to breathe.

She was past that; she was past the wanting and pleas.

Now she saw love as a bitter waste of time.

It failed!

Money, God, and dreams,

Were the only things real.

The only things that she had her heart on fire for

Fuck a men

Fuck trying to make them a part of the pie.

She would thrive to become more, strive harder to become more independent

Not just financially but mentally, emotionally and physically.

She would want nothing more than to just be LEFT ALONE.

No love lost, she is just tired of waiting.

Tired of waiting for you to catch on.

Loving You

You’re such a work of art
He probably told your life was black and white
He was breaking your heart
I want to play this smart
He was trying to dim your light
I never want us to part
I can’t live with us apart
Our future together looks bright
Your love has topped the chart
Love hit me like a dart
We embrace, touch, and fuck on site
Say you love me as a start
I vow to love you always, never to depart
Your smile brings me warm delight
Your love can’t be bought
Our love can’t be stopped
A fire that you ignite
The emotions that caught
Loving you is what you taught

But at First….

Inspired by Brandon Williams “I Love You”

I – I love you. The first time I said it I wasn’t 100 percent

I only said it because I called myself being content

Truth be told, I wasn’t sure you were it

As time moved on so, did the love

I mean you became my moon

I, your sun,

Spending countless hours loving on you

Eventually these words became true

I truly did begin, well not begin, start falling in love

With your caring gentle soul wanting to love all of me

I’m just so happy

Now that only words I can say are

I-I love you!

Won’t Let Go

So caught up in the things that I was hoping you could provide for me
I let the outside turn my heart into flammable bits.
I had this attitude like I knew what was best for you treating you like I really didn’t want you
Could do better than you
I let everyone tell me what to do with you and look you gon’ out my sight
Now what am I to do
I want you back but I know there are a lot of things that need to be fixed
That you and I must push through
How am I to help you
I wished you gone and now it’s true
No longer wanting just to sleep with you
I need you over boo
Sometimes it feels so cold, your body gave me warmth
but they say I will get over that
Just look at that
I don’t want our future holds but like an old song, I won’t let go
So I’ll wait for you to get it together baby
So we finally build on us baby
We need each other…

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Random Thoughts…About You

I have plenty of content that I want to publish but afraid too. Afraid that you might see and realize the content is about you. About our good times and bad. The hurt and joy. The time I cried over you endlessly wishing for you to be next to me. Or my many flashbacks of that diamond smile you possess. Yes, I am afraid that through my writing you will read about the unknown expressed emotions I may have harbored inside during our relationship. Like how I thought about leaving you before or how I never wanted you to leave me. Confusing? I know, welcome to my world. I have tried to organize my thoughts so that I don’t come off unsure or unwilling to accept love. But I can accept love I am just….

Well they say you can’t accept love from no one else if you can’t love yourself. I love myself. The new self. The new weight, the new hair, job and journey that I am on right now. So how could this educated mother strong caring aggressive, yet gentle woman not be able to accept love? I give love?

But what I found out was that, that was harder said than done. You see, my past, like many others, lead me to a line of continuous heartbreak. According to my family, I love dark spirits and tend to attract those who are if not as damaged more damaged than me. My grandmother once told me I love wounded dogs over a perfect healthy one. Ha. I guess I thought I could just heal everything and everyone. And because of loving the wrong people at the wrong time, I am left with a brick wall holding in my emotions and fear to love the right person.

How unfair? The right one will now have to complete an exam, survey and three essays proclaiming their love for me. Telling me how much not only that you love me, but that you’re serious. Wanting to be seen with both night and day, will be there when I need you the most not just some late-night fix or last-minute decision. I need you of that and more. Like any investment, invest your time and love in me. No more putting my cards on the table when I know that I am holding a full house. No, I was going to make you work. And that you did…. Maybe

But did I put this effort into the wrong one? Did I hold this standard for the wrong Mr. Right? You were everything I prayed about on my list. Minus maybe three MAJOR details that has me on the fence about our love and how this will grow into something more enteral. And for these red flags I am stuck, torn and devastated that I even must make the choice.

Do I stay, or do I go? Do I continue to find reasons and ways to see you or leave you be?

Ultimately what do I do with you?

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